We are taught to be nice when we are children. Women, in particular, are trained to acquiesce to the needs of others, not rock the boat, say nothing rather than be nasty…blah blah blah. We learn to swallow our voices and then we spend the rest of our lives trying to make sense of the rotting feeling in our guts.
We sometimes find ourselves in a situation where we know our rights are being trampled on and we want to assert our voice, stand up for our needs, but we are conscious of not wanting to hurt anyone. Where is that line? How do you stand up for yourself without being bossy or mean? How do you ask for respect without disrespecting others?
Using power over others through aggression (commanding, demanding, belittling, controlling, hurting, manipulating) is not ever necessary to gain personal power and is hurtful to others. On the other hand, being too passive is hurtful to ourselves. Assertive responses honour both our needs and are respectful to others.
In preparation for practising assertiveness, remember these relationship fundamentals…I am responsible for my own emotions and expressing my own needs… I can’t make anybody do anything differently…other people’s responses are their own stuff. This stuff we should have learned in kindergarten (related blog).
An example situation: Someone asks you to do something…a favour for them. You don’t have the time or the energy…only the aching will to please. But the world won’t fall apart if you say ‘no’. And you don’t have to apologize. Some of you say sorry way too much! If you simply say “I can’t do that…no.” the worst that will happen is they might be disappointed, and they can handle that. Trust me, they will still like you and might even respect you a bit more. Sometimes assertiveness is just saying ‘no’.
Another example: You feel disrespected by someone’s behaviours. How do we ask for respect? Try:
“When you yell at me I stop listening.”
“I’m not okay with being told what to do.”
“I feel spoken down to when you wave your finger at me. I prefer you not do that.”
“I feel uncomfortable when you laugh at my mistakes. I want to feel respected even when I do things that you don’t understand.” (A classic “I statement”)
The idea is to relate your emotion (if appropriate), name the problem behaviour and deliver a clear expectation. The tone is important. There is ideally no emotion in your voice. You are calm and matter-of-fact. That part is hard, but important if you want them to listen to you. Practice them with an even tone.
Notice that none of these above responses has the word “please” in it! Don’t water down your expectation for respect by asking if it’s okay!!! Sometimes though, depending on the situation; the relationship and it’s importance to you, you may want to soften the approach a bit, such as…
“I don’t think I’ve ever told you this, but I have this weird thing when I’m driving…I feel uncomfortable when my passenger waves their hand in my space…it’s a safety issue. I hope you don’t mind, but I prefer you don’t do that.” (am I being too transparent? This is one of my issues)
If you need some time because someone’s comment caught you off guard, check out my blog about slowing it down…
Asking for what you need is not just okay…it’s vital, because other people don’t know! They can’t read your mind and it’s not their job to take care of you.
More examples… (Note that that all start with “I need”, but none of them start with “I need you to…”, which is a command disguised as an “I statement”. Giving an instruction is okay if you are someone’s boss or parent, which are special situations).
“I need to know whether you have the necessary time to devote to this project”
“I need to know that I can count on you”
“I need to know that I will be listened to, even if you disagree with me”
“I need some space/time right now”
“I need to think about what just happened. I will get back to this.”
Remember that when you express a need, there is no guarantee that it will be honoured. That is not under your control. Learn from what you get back and remember you have the power to choose who is in your life (generally)…
ASK ME! If you have a situation that requires assertiveness and would like me to address it specifically in this blog, let me know! In fact, ask me any question you like through an email and it will be addressed here without revealing the asker.