Sometimes people say things that catch us off guard. This happened to me the other day. Someone said something strange in a context and place that I couldn’t immediately wrap my head around. I didn’t know how to respond, and felt overwhelmed by emotions (embarrassment, shame, anger).
I asked them to repeat it, as I thought maybe I had heard it wrong. I didn’t. They said it again.
So I did what people often do in that kind of situation. I left. I didn’t know what to say because I felt overwhelmed.
Later on, I wished I had been brave enough to stay. I wished I had used one of my “slowing down the process” phrases. Sometimes, when you don’t know what to say or things are happening too fast, it’s helpful to slow things down. It usually calms emotion, builds empathy and prevents the situation from getting worse. I’ll make a list of what I mean. How you use them will depend on the context, but it helps to have a few of these in your back pocket.
• “I’m not sure I caught that.” There should be no aggressive tone here. Sometimes we hear things wrong. The subtext is more genuine curiosity, and not “Excuse me? What did you just say?”
• “I need a second/minute to think.” We forget that it’s perfectly okay to take a moment to absorb something. Use that minute to calm your defensiveness and listen with curiosity.
• “Can you help me to understand a bit better?”, or “I’m curious about what you said. Can you say more about that?”
• “I’m surprised to hear you say that.”
• “I’m not sure how to respond to that.”
• “I’m really trying to understand you right now.”
I’m not talking about when someone says something aggressive or clearly offensive. That would involve setting more clear boundaries, which I will discuss soon.
It takes effort to change our reactions. Although my instinct was to run away, some of you are dealing with more aggressive instincts. Part of the solution can be slowing things down so that we have time to calm ourselves. See my blogs on self-talk! Part I, part II, part III.
Do you have one that works for you? Share with me!
{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
… “I don’t get it, tell me more”
“What do you mean by that?”
I read somewhere that when people put you on the spot and make you feel uncomfortable to just smile and say “why do you ask that?” I tried it a few times and it really shut them down! It works. But you must smile! It throws them off.