Have you read Part I? Find it here!
Okay, now that you’re convinced that changing your self-talk might affect your mood and level of happiness, let’s talk about some specific steps to accomplishing change in your thoughts. Don’t do all this at once. Start slow, and revisit this blog periodically.
This list is to assist those with mild anxiety or sadness due to negative thoughts. If you struggle with this in a more serious way, please do enlist the aid of a qualified therapist to address the serious and deeper barriers to your personal happiness.
1. Identify the stinking thinking. Pinpoint those thoughts that get you down. It might be negative thoughts about yourself (“I’m such a loser/failure/shithead!” “I can’t do anything right.” “What’s wrong with me?”, “Why can’t I…?”) or someone else (“That $#&…”), or general pessimistic statements about the future (I’ll never be a success.” “Nothing works out for me.”…) Write down what your own negative thoughts are. They are both uniquely yours and as ordinary as white bread! Keep the list short for now.
2. I want you to irritate every time you have that thought. Notice it’s there. Don’t let it get away with skulking around in the back of your head. Highlight it. Picture it in big letters. I’m having that thought again. It’s just a thought. I don’t have to think that. Some people wear an elastic band on their wrist and snap it when the thought appears, or they picture a stop sign.
3. Imagine that you are a lawyer. How would you dispute that thought? What evidence is there that would tell a jury that it’s not accurate? Write this down. Be that lawyer for yourself.
4. Sometimes thoughts have some accuracy to them. (“That person said I was…”, or “I screwed up.”) Shite does happen. If it’s one of those thoughts…where you are reminding yourself of something that really happened…ask yourself “Is it helpful for me to have this thought?” “Is that the total of who I am?” “Does this thought help me reach my goals?” The answer is NO!
5. Now a hard part…I want you to make a list of what you would be thinking if you were in a totally opposite headspace. This is why people choose therapy…because they don’t yet know what this list looks like. It’s usually something like:
- “I can do this.”
- “I’ll deal with whatever happens.”
- “I am not alone.”
- “I am a great mom/dad/employee…”
- “I don’t have to be perfect.” or “They don’t have to be perfect”
- “I have the right to express my needs.”
- “I can’t make anybody do anything” “I can let go of that”
- “I can take responsibility for mistakes I make and that helps make them disappear”
- “Other people say dumb or insensitive things sometimes. That doesn’t make it true”
- “I am allowed to make mistakes and learn from them”
- “I can do anything”
- “Anything is possible”
The list is endless. It’s usually about acceptance, letting go, compassion and optimism. Yours is unique. Find it. Whittle it down to five or ten that work best for you.
6. Once you have your list, you will practise repeating it to yourself, out loud and in your head. You will write it out like the lines you wrote when you were in elementary school. You will keep refining it until it fits for you, and keep repeating it until you believe it. It’s like going to a physiotherapist…if you do not do this step, you will not see results. You are working the muscle of optimism about your life and yourself.
7. The last step is optional, quite advanced and should be understood fully, so I’ll do a part III to describe that one! Right now you have enough to work on!