The Power of Self-Talk, part I

I often meet people who say they want to feel better. Less sad or shameful or anxious…more hopeful and peaceful and confident. In the complex world of therapy, part of the journey towards change is taking a close look at what their thinking is.

What we feel is determined by what we’re thinking and saying. Taken to the extreme…this can mean that a problem isn’t a problem until someone calls it a problem …until there is dialogue about the problem. A classic example we debated in graduate school…the wet bed. Imagine… a child wets his (or her) bed in the night. Now imagine two different scenarios the next morning…

Scene 1: A parent reacts with anger because they are thinking “Not again! He’s never going to grow up. I don’t have time to wash sheets before work. It stinks. What am I doing wrong that this kid can’t… I bet Terry didn’t wake him up to go before bed…” and so on… there definitely is a problem.

Scene 2: The parent is calm because they are thinking “Kids pee the bed in most families. This is normal. It’s not a big deal. It is slowly improving. I’m sure he won’t need diapers on his wedding day. I had a bed wetting issue too. This will pass.” There is no problem.

Same situation…changed only by attitude…self-talk. The quality of your self-talk determines your level of happiness to a large extent.

That’s not to dismiss true suffering and pain. Life brings us painful situations that cannot be simply disappeared by repeating phrases to yourself. But for most of life’s little lemons…this is a recipe for lemonade. There is real power in self-talk.

An example from my own life…My husband is a wonderful man…who often chews his food with his mouth open, a habit of which I am not fond. Now…there have been times in my life when this irks me to no end, and times in my life when I’ve gone years without really noticing it. The difference is, first, my personal level of happiness.  If I’m generappy happy, it irks me less.  It also is connected to what I’m focusing on and telling myself (and interestingly so is my happiness in general) . What you focus on is where you will go. It’s the difference between thinking “why does he have to…he knows that it bugs me…it’s disgusting” and thinking “this is one icky quality in an otherwise super person…would I want him focusing on my faults?…he’s otherwise generally socialized…”

Okay great, right?  But…the problem is that our thoughts come so quickly, that it’s difficult to slow them down enough to catch them and change them. It takes the kind of effort that going to the gym takes…hard work but a great feeling afterwards, when you feel in control of your body and your brain and are one step closer to your best self.

To be continued…