I often meet with people who want to decrease the conflict, arguing, tension or yelling in their home. Those of you with teenagers or a moody person in the home know what I mean. Or maybe it’s you who has a habit of yelling. This is my quick-and-dirty recipe for accomplishing this goal:
1. First… You are only in charge of yourself, so stop focusing on what you want others to do differently. I will keep driving this point home. (when Lara was nine, I bought her a tee shirt that said “you’re not the boss of me”… I never regretted it). I wholly support parents having power (see previous blog), and I will write soon about how to help kids to be cooperative (I promise). Yet, you truly cannot make anyone do anything. Take some time to remind yourself about your ultimate powerlessness as a parent in this sense. Acknowledge and talk down that anxious part of you that thinks it needs control in order to be happy. It’s not just about letting that need go, but finding ways to feel powerful that don’t involve other people. See an OAMFT therapist if you get stuck here.
2. Put the relationship first. Before your own need. Find your mantra…”My relationship with __ is far more important than needing to win/feel powerful/vent/punish…in this moment.” might be helpful.
3. Create more positive moments…It’s not the amount of conflict in a home that affects people so much as the overall tone and the ratio of conflict to harmony. We can tolerate conflict if we see that problems get solved and we feel cared about. SO CHANGE THE RATIO by upping the number of positive interactions you have with your spouse/kids/parents. Aim for a ratio of 10-1 (yes, that’s positive to negative!).
For every moment of conflict, strive to create 10 positive moments…a smile, a friendly touch, a compliment, a statement of support or encouragement, a good deed, time spend having fun, a note…these are endless and we often forget about doing these things.
Try keeping a log…what is your ratio?