Child Unit #3 at 3...Justin taught me a lot
Those beautiful, crazy-making little creatures running amok in our homes did NOT come with a manual.
My next few entries will focus on the do’s and don’ts of parenting. I will give you the best of what I have learned about how to interact with your children in a way that can lead to greater cooperation and less stress in your home. Unless you reduce bad habits first, anything you add to your toolbox will be less impactful. Do you see yourself in this list of Poor Parenting Habits? Personally, I have done all these things…
Neglecting Your Own Happiness: If you are in an airplane and the oxygen masks come down, you are expected as a parent to put yours on first so that you can assist your child. Take care of yourself so that you are in your non substance-induced happy place…the whole world (and certainly your children) will seem less troublesome. And no, your unhappiness is not their or anyone else’s fault. See posted series on self-talk 1, 2 and 3.
Too Many Words: Most parents use way too many words. You nag and lecture and remind and it is all driving your children crazy and stealing your power. It reflects your tendency to take on your child’s problems. Plus, kids just stop listening after a few words. Ask yourself “Does Johnny already know what I am about to say?” “It is vital that I say this?”Instead of a ten minute lecture about the backpack on the floor…one word will do “backpack”. Leave a checklist of chores instead of a verbal list. Save your words for positive things!
Yelling: You lose all your power when you yell because you lose credibility. If you can make one change only, staying calm when your child is upset (and when you are upset) will have the most impact on your life. It is such a powerful feeling to see a ranting child and feel calm yourself. Why should your emotions follow theirs like a rollercoaster? Get a handle on your own and talk out loud in their presence about how you are calming yourself; it’s great modelling.
Commands: Please, people…nobody likes to be bossed around. Kids doing things now “because you said so” went the way of the dodo long ago. Teach them to manage their own time and choices by giving choices and deadlines, such as “Visiting friends after dinner will be possible when chores and homework are complete” (when…then statements are a parents best friend) . Disrespect: If I had a nickel for every time a parent complained about disrespect from a child and I then found out that the parent was disrespectful themselves…they learn from what they watch you do. The following are disrespectful: yelling, grabbing (unless you are scooping up a wandering toddler or saving a child from imminent danger but even these can be done gently), commands, name calling, blaming, swearing, hurting the body in any way, exposing a child to adult conflict. There are more but you get the idea.
Ignoring: When they turn into the strange creatures we call teens, they tend to disappear for long periods in their room. Try to enter their world and stay connected to who they’re becoming.
Being Too Rigid or Too Weak: Children will balk at limits, but that’s their job. On a deeper level, they experience your rules and consistency as a fence of safety around them. They need to know where that fence is and how strong it is, and they will push against it to test its strength and position. To move or take down the fence is to confuse them. To make it too solid and unmovable is to hurt their little heads when they bash against it hard. Barbara Coloroso has excellent theories about the dangers of rigidity (brick wall) and giving in (jellyfish) styles of parenting.
Forgetting to Fill The Emotional Gas Tank: Children (and relationships) are like a bank account…you need to put things in if you expect to take anything out. Your job is to help your child feel good about themselves, and it takes a ratio of about 7-1 to accomplish this. Seven positive interactions for every expectation or negative interaction. See an earlier post about this.
Did I miss any? Next time I’ll focus on discipline techniques that work. First, you can work on reducing your nasty habits. Check out my other parenting posts.
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