Someone posted a thought on facebook today that got me thinking. My friend Kim … “wonder’s why the sting of rejection goes deeper than the warmth of acceptance…”
It’s so true, isn’t it? We give so much power to hurt, and don’t milk those warm moments for all they can give us.
It got me thinking about one of my fav books about the power of optimism. Martin Seligman’s “Learned Optimism“. It’s based on tons of fascinating research about the specific types of optimism and how they work against depression. Here’s a link to a funny video of a therapist interviewing Freud using Seligman’s ideas. Here’s Seligman describing it in a nutshell. Here’s a link to an optimism test that can illuminate what your style is. Here’s my own reader’s digest version of the theory…
When shite happens in life, we try to make sense of it. We tell ourselves things that help us to integrate what happened into our view of the world…we explain it to ourselves. But certain explanitory styles lead to increased depression…and some to greater happiness.
When BAD things happen…Seligman wants us to make bad events about things that are temporary, specific, and other people. You got rejected because the director had a different look in mind, or had already cast the part, or was thinking of their miserable ex who has the same name as you (any similarity that one bears to a real situation is purely coincidental).
When something GOOD happens, Seligman says make it about something permanent, general, and about you. You got the role because you have talent and sparkle, because you’ve done amazing work on stage already, because you have a reputation for working hard, because you audition well…
What you want to avoid doing is the opposite…you will be more prone to depression if you do the following: When BAD things happen, do you make it general, permanent or about you? It sounds like this…”I never get a break. I knew I wouldn’t get it. I suck at auditions. I suck in general. Nothing good happens to me ever…”
When GOOD things happen, avoid this kind of talk that attributes the good thing to luck, other people, or coincidence…”There were only a few people who auditioned. I happened to be ‘on’ for the audition that day. I got lucky that Suzie-the-star-who-gets-every-role was busy (you know what?… even Suzie doesn’t get everything she wants). Or…The director feels sorry for me. It only happened because my friend put in a good word for me….”
Real Life Examples: I golfed last week with our friend Pat, who has this lovely habit. When I (or anyone) had a bad shot (it happened more often for me I am sure), he said “bad luck”. It helped. He encouraged me to make it about that specific moment, and not my skill in general. It’s a good example of how to not give power to pessimism.
A While Ago…I was talking with my friend Diana about some of the successes I have recently enjoyed. I said “I’ve been lucky”, and even as I said it I knew I was giving pessimism unnecessary power. She challenged me to take credit for my success.
What many of us do (especially women) is we blame themselves quickly when something goes wrong, and we fail to take credit for the good things that happen in our life. Even this small change can be powerful. What good things happen in your life, large or small, that you are not giving yourself credit for?
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